tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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