Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
