I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm too high and old for this...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
