well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
