so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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