i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
why do cheetos always look like penises
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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