just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
