P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
