I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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