It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
