The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
