girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
