Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
