I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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