He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo