I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.