that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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