you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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