My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize