According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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