The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
