Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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