i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
