did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dick very happy bro
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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