I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just want to make out with him forever
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
