I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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