I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
