And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
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There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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