I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
