Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
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I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
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Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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