My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
