On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
