just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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