This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
