Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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