she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Randomize
