I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
