i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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