just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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