3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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