If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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