Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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