if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
