did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
