I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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