I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
how does that bad decision feel?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
