We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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