A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
