just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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