there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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