God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
