I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
