i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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