i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
