glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
