Even the bartender felt bad for me
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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