When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
