mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
