He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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