I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
