like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
