i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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